This is KUnit and other Silly Stories
by Ryuusquall
Summary: A small series of short, silly spoofs for Alex Rider. In the first one Alex gets intreduced to K-unit...
1. Chapter 1

This is K-unit.

This started life out as a very badly drawn comic stripe that I did about three years ago. And here it finally is in writing.

The sergeant marched into the barracks, as he did so the four men in there quickly stood to attention. As he walked in they could see that behind him was a boy. "This is your new unit member." The sergeant told them. He sounded as though he couldn't quite believe he just said that, but as soon as the incredulous questions started, he held up a hand and replied loudly. "Do not ask me. I have no idea what's going on here, I'm just obeying orders." K-unit glowered.

The sergeant turned to the boy. "This is K-unit. We have no names here; this is bunny rabbit, chicken, butterfly and hamster." He informed the boy, pointing to each man in turn. "You will be Cub." The boy's eyes lit up, "Cool! I always wanted to be in the Cubs! I used to be in the Brownies but I got kicked out when they realized I was a guy!"

K-unit glared. The sergeant didn't bother acknowledging that and simply asked, "Any questions?" In a voice that said: 'You will say no, and I shall then leave.' But the boy, too dense it seemed to pick up on this, replied: "Yes actually. What sort of cub am I?"

And with that the Sergeant exited, slamming the door shut behind him and leaving Cub to his fate.

I'm sorry its so short, the next is A little longer.

Me and some friends are planning on making a sequel to our amazingly silly film, The Pirate Matrix and the Lord of Harry Who." Which will hopefully have this scene in it. There aren't enough guys though, so at least two of K-unit are probably going to have to be played by girls. That going to be fun! I'm thinking fake mustaches…


	2. Happy Families

Not much to say about this. It just suddenly occurred to me the other day :3

Happy Families.

Wolf walked into the sitting room, looking for his car keys. The rest of K-unit and Alex where sitting on a couple of sofas, watching a football match with varying degrees of interest.

After looking round the room for a couple of minutes, he turned to glare at the others. One by one they tore their gaze away from the match to see why he was standing glaring at them for this time. "If your not too busy playing happy families, can you help me find my car keys? I can't find them anywhere!" He exclaimed angrily, hands on hips.

There was a pause and then Fox muttered, "Too busy…" They all turned back to the screen, missing the high level glare Wolf threw at them as he stalked out to search the kitchens.

A few seconds after Wolf had left, Snake repeated in an amused voice, "Happy families?" Eagle grinned, "If we're playing happy families then Cubs got to be the baby!"

Fox gave a short snort of laughter while Alex looked over at him coolly, "What are you then?" A thought occurred to him, "I know, you can be the big sister!"-a comment that made Eagle splutter indignantly, "Big sister! No way!" But the other two where nodding sagely, "I see where he's coming from" Mused Fox. "I wonder what Wolf is then?"

Snake laughed, "The grumpy alcoholic father probably!" Alex chuckled, "If Wolfs the father, who's the mother?" Snake and Fox looked at each other. "Perhaps there isn't a mother", Fox thought out laud.

"Does that make it a civil partnership then? Which of you would be his husband in that case?" Eagle asked, but before they could comment on that, Alex said, "I think we should stick with tradition." Eagle nodded, "And the way you screamed when you saw that big hairy spider made you sound pretty girly Fox. You can be Wolf's wife." While Fox tried to come up with excuses about the spider, and reasons why he really shouldn't be the mother, Snake asked, "What does that make me?" "Hmmmm... I'm thinking some sort of creepy pedophile uncle…" was Eagles reply. "No!" Alex gasped in a moment of epiphany, "The pet dog!"

"Great…I'm the dog?" Snake sighed sadly, "Not even important enough to be a human member of this twisted little family?"

"Nope."

Just then Wolf stormed back through, still unable to locate his keys.

They all glanced at each other briefly.

"Hello dear."

"Daddy!"

"Waaaaahhh…?"

"Woof!"

Wolf stared round at them in horror, the missing car keys forgotten. "It's finally happened. You've all cracked. Gone mental. Gone insane!" And with that he ran out of the room, with just a, "Bye Daddy!" to accompany him in high pitched and fake girly tones from Eagle.

"Well." Sighed Snake, "Personally I thought he took that very well."


	3. How Ian Rider Really Died

Look, another one! Two chapters in a day, don't you feel honored? :P

True, none of them are very long…but at least that means I can get them up faster, right?

I have about four other ideas after this. Hopefully more inspiration will come to me soon though.

Enjoy~

How Ian Rider Really Died.

The car cruised along the empty rural road. Ian Rider allowed himself to relax just a little. He couldn't believe he'd managed to get himself caught. It had been very unprofessional of him. But he had also managed to get away, which was the important thing. Just as he thought this he was safe, Ian caught sight of a helicopter in his rearview mirror. There was a pause. "Oh bugger."

There was nothing he could do to get away, the helicopter was fast approaching and his car couldn't outrun it on these twisting little lanes.

So all he could do was curse for the few seconds it took for the helicopter to draw level with him. He had been able to see that there where no weapons mounted on the helicopter, but that hadn't stopped him fearing for his life. As the side door slide open he said his final goodbyes. He glimpsed something rush past his car window, and did a double take as a face appeared. It was a very, very scary face.

Yassen hadn't had time to get changed before coming to kill Ian Rider. His day job was a professional Tranny, meaning that he was wearing a blond wig that quickly blew away since he was upside down…and lots of makeup.

Ian Rider screamed like a girl at the horrendous sight, and momentarily loosing control of the steering wheel, he crashed sideways, straight into Yassen. Unfortunately, the danger of the car swerving into him while he hung upside down from a helicopter going 70mph hadn't occurred to him. The dress wearing assassin shrieked as he crashed towards the ground. The last Ian saw of him was a pink flowery dress, a pair of hairy legs and some very nice high heels, before he disappeared from view. Forever.

Unfortunately Ian hadn't been paying much attention to the road while all this was going on, and before he realized it, his car slammed into a cow. This sent it flying in the air, where it crashed into the helicopter, sending it spinning to the ground. Ian turned back to the road with a sigh of relief before he heard: "mmmmmMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

The sound got closer and closer, before finally the cow smashed down to earth on Ian's car.

And that's how Ian Rider really died. What a way to go, crushed by a flying cow…

And the moral of this story? Always keep your eyes on the road children, even if there's a mad Russian transvestite assassin about to shoot you.

(Just incase your wondering, the Cow lived but had many broken bones. The farmer forwarded the vet bill to MI6. They were not happy.)

This is another one that I drew up long, long ago. Well actually, I never got as far as the cow bit. And in my first version Yassen only had high heels on (don't ask). His jacket flapped over his head and he accidentally shot himself. But this works too, right?


	4. What type of Cub, Picasso?

What type of Cub, Picasso?

This time it wasn't a football match they where watching. It was rugby. Had the same effect on them though, several sets of glazed eyes fixed on the moving images on the magic box.

All apart from Fox. He was on a small seat by himself, his feet drawn up so he could use his knees as a surface for the sketchbook he was currently working on. Every now and then he would glance up at the different members of K-Unit, all of whom where present. When ever it looked as something interesting was going to happen (and the others started shouting at the screen), he also spared the TV a glance.

But most of the time he's eyes where fixed on the picture that was slowly coming together on the white paper, an evil little grin on his face. He kept going wrong, having to rub out sections repeatedly. This wasn't because he was a bad artist, but because he wanted to make sure he got it just right.

Finally he finished and surveyed the others, the evil smile even more obvious now.

How to go about this...? He toyed with what to say. Best to wait until the rugby match was over, then they would pay more attention to him. So for the last 15 minutes of the match, no one noticed the look on Fox's face.

As the match finished, Wolf leaned over and used the remote control to turn the T.V off, while complaining about the scores. The others followed suite, vocalizing their opinions on how well such and such had done and who should have really won.

Then, Finally Eagle noticed him. "What do you think about…hey, what's with that look on your face? What have you got there?"

Fox grin grew wider as he hugged the sketchbook to his chest. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Now Snake, Wolf and Alex turned round to see what was going on.

"You being drawing, or something?", Snake asked while Wolf muttered something about not even knowing he could draw.

Show time.

"Yup. I got bored with the rugby and a thought occurred to me, Alex's codename is 'Cub', right? But there's no such type of animal as 'cub', so what sort of animal cub is he?"

He looked round at the others. Alex shrugged while Eagle replied: "Panda? You know, for all the times he gets beaten up and ends up with a black eye. Or two!"

Fox laughed, still hiding the picture from them.

"Or maybe a lion cub, he's got blond hair. Aren't lions sort of blondy?" Eagle continued.

Fox didn't reply and instead continued with his earlier train of thought, "So while I was trying to work out what sort of animal he was, I saw all you lot shouting at the TV like bloody monkeys or something. Real animal like. So I decided to draw you all… with some animal features!"

Alex laughed and Wolf raised his eyebrows. "Animal features?"

"Yeah, look!" And he turned the large sketch book towards them.

On it was a picture of all of them (Fox included) sitting on a very large settee with Alex on the floor in front of them. Eagle was in the middle, his arms raised above his head, doing the peace sign with both hands. Behind him, two fluffy little chicken wings where visible. To the right of him sat Snake, his tongue sticking out at Eagle. A tongue which of cause was forked like a snakes. Behind his was a diamond patterned scaly snake tail. Fox was next to him, drawing the picture that they where all actually in. He had fox ears, a sly grin on his face and a thick fox's brush curling round to his side.

On the left, next to Eagle was Wolf, who was giving Eagle and his peace signs a serious high power glare, drawn as spiky lines coming from his narrowed eyes. He had wolf ears and a ragged wolf's tail.

And in front of him was Alex, drawn as a very young child. In front of Alex were children's alphabet blocks. Three of them, placed quite close together, spelt put 'Cub'

All eyes, after scanning the others, seemed to be drawn to the picture of Alex. Because he had wolf ears and a cute, fluffy wolf tail.

"He's a Wolf cub!" Snake shrieked in a high pitched voice that surprised everyone, including him. Before anyone could say anything more though, Eagle grabbed the picture out of Fox's hand quickly. The reason he had done this was because he didn't want it to get damaged while Wolf and Alex worked together to soundly beat Fox up. He wasn't so bothered about fox getting damaged, just the picture, so he and Snake walked a little way away from World War Three to admire it some more. "I never knew Fox was so good at cartoons." Snake commented. "Neither did I!" Eagle exclaimed back, over the bangs and crashes coming from behind them. "Its good isn't it, but why do I look so fat and goofy?" He asked. Snake thought about that for a second. "I guess the 'fat' could be muscles…but the reason you've got a goofy face is, well, cos you've got a goofy face!"

Eagle glared at Snake, but after all the glares Wolf had thrown at them in the time they had known him, it had little effect.

Giving up on that, he changed the subject, "Doesn't Alex make such a good ick'le baby?"

"Yes. Very cute." Snake replied dryly, smiling. "And I think Fox has got it just right. Alex is a Wolf cub!"

Eagle smirked. "Let's go put this somewhere safe, then go watch the father, son bonding going on over there." He said, pointing a thumb back over his shoulder in the general direction of all the commotion.

Snake nodded, saying as they left the room, "We are so going to have to get this framed!"

**I actually planned this out before I added in the, "what type of cub am I?" Bit in the first chapter.**

**So when I saw Blue glass Rose say that he was obviously a wolf cub, it made me smile. ^-^**


	5. Please

**This and the one before would have been up a couple of days ago if it wasn't for computer troubles. Sorry.**

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Plllleeeeaaaasssseeee?"

"Noooooooooooooooo."

"PLEASE?"

"NO!"

…

"Please?"

…

"No."

"What the hell are you two up to?" Wolf asked brusquely as he and Snake walked through the door. (Well, actually, as they walked through the door frame. Trying to walk through a door its self is never a good idea. Unless you are a ghost…)

Eagle was standing in the middle of the living, room, his arms stretched out wide on either side of him. Alex was sitting on the sofa in front of him, reading up on different religious views on cloning from a textbook for and R.E exam.

"Eagle dropped his arms down to his side as their appeared, then lifted one up to point at Alex. "He won't give me a hug!" He pouted.

"Please?" He repeated for the hundredth time. Alex didn't even look up; he simply replied, once again, "No."

"See!" Eagle cried in despair.

Wolf stared at him as though he had gone insane. Which he had done. A long, long time ago.

Snake though pointed a finger towards Eagle in the same was as Eagle had just been pointing at Alex. "Pedophile!" He said in a sing-song voice, before turning and leaving the room without another word.

Wolf stayed for a few more seconds and sighed, "Its sad because its true.", Before also leaving.

"Hey….I didn't mean it like that!" Eagle called after them, but they ignored him.

So he turned back to Alex.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Ple…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Eagle gave up.

"Well then…"

"No."

"Hey, I was just asking…"

"No."

"Could you…"

"No."

"…pass the TV remote?"

"No."

"But…"

"NO! Get it yourself…"

"No one loves me…"

"True."

**For some reason the idea of a rather unhinged Eagle simply asking for a hug amused me. Especially when Alex didn't seem the particularly huggy type…**

**By the way, I suspect the reason Fox wasn't there was because Alex and Wolf probably got him landed in hospital during their 'father, son' bonding beat-up-Fox-game. Isn't that sweet?**

***Is knocked briefly unconscious by a remote control flying through they air***

**Me: Ow…hey, Eagle, I found the remote control! I think Alex was sitting on it all along…**

**Eagle: Yay! Will you give me a hug…please?**

**Me: I don't do hugs…**

**Eagle: But you're a girl!**

**Me: Soooo…..? **

**Eagle: Please?**

**Me: No**

**Eagle: *Bursts into tears* Nobody loves me!**

**Me: Calm down, I'm sure there's someone out there somewhere who will give you a hug…right?...**


	6. The Alex Experiment

**I'm Sooooo sorry its taken me this long to update this! I've been working on my first ever serious Alex Rider fanfiction you see, and that sort of took up all the time I should have spent updating this.**

**I tired twice to write the next chapter for this, but they both went wrong you see.**

**Hope you like this one though, the idea was suggested by ****nikigrl-123**

"Are you sure this is safe?" Alex asked Smithers for about the 20th time. "Positive." Smithers replied cheerfully. Couldn't be safer."

"I thought safe things tended to be less spiky?"

"It's a needle, Alex. They are supposed to be 'spiky'. And think of all the good injections do, stopping you getting all those nasty disease!"

Aren't you supposed to test that sort of thing out first though?"

"I am doing!"

"On me?"

"Yes!"

"Why me?"

"Why not?"

"Are you absolutely sure it's safe?"

"Yes! Don't worry…"

"And yet I do…"

"This wont do any harm, in fact, it should enhance you incredibly, make you able do all the things you never dreamed were possible!"

"Like leading a normal life?"

"Apart from that one. Now roll up your sleeve, that's it, a little higher.."

"Are you really, really sure its…Ow! That hurt!"

"Well it is spiky Alex!"

Alex watched as Smithers put a little bit of cotton wool on the puncture to catch the blood. "What this thing supposed to do anyway?"

"Well the theory goes that that solution, mixed with the pigeon DNA in it should…well have some interesting effects, lets say…"

"Pigeon? Pigeon! You stuck pigeon DNA in me?"

"That's right!"

"Pigeon! Why not Falcon or Hawk DNA?"

"Couldn't do that, too many endangered species. And pigeon was very easy to get hold of."

"Endangered? I'm endangered! How many teenage spies do you see walking round the streets?

"Well…"

"Bwark, bwaaaaarrrkkk, bwak, bwak, bwak…"

"Huh? Why are you making chicken noises?"

Smithers watched in surprise as ginger feathers started to sprout all over Alex. After a couple of minutes he looked like a guy in a chicken custom, complete with wattle and comb.

"Oops… there is a small chance I might have got the pigeon and chicken DNA syringes mixed up… Now lets see… Aha! Here it is!"

"Bok ,bok, bok, BWAAAARK!"

Smithers plunged the needle into Alex's feather arm. Or should that be wing?

"There you go."

The change only took a few seconds to take effect. Soon the ginger feathers all turned to various grays and the feathers on his arms/ wings grew a lot longer.

"There you go!" Smithers said happily.

The Alex- pigeon-boy glared at him with beady orange eyes.

"Now lets see what some of the others do!"

It sounded as though Alex swore, but it was hard to say anything with a beak rather then a mouth.

"What about a bit of snake DNA? Corn snake I think…"

Once again a syringe embedded itself in his arm.

Next thing he knew, all the feathers were gone, to be replaced seconds later by scales that bubbled up from under his skin.

"Oh ssssssshit, what have you dontttthhhh?" Alex hissed

"Don't like it? Lets try another!"

One minute he was part snake, the next Alex was gasping on the floor, part gold fish.

Then baboon.

Then cat.

Then snail.

Then hamster.

Then whale.

Then Lion.

Then Blackbird.

Then horse.

Then crocodile.

Then fly.

Then dog.

Then ameba.

Then elephant.

Then chipmunk.

Then deer.

Then fox.

Then rhino.

Then Tiger.

It was at this point that Alex managed to get his wits about him enough to grab a syringe of his own.

As Smithers stuck another one in him, he managed to get him back in the leg.

He heard the gadget master cry out in surprise, and without stopping to see what eh became, Alex shot off.

He ran all the way home, faster then he had ever managed before and locked himself in his room.

Two hours later Wolf knocked on the door. "Hey, Cub? I know you're in there. Get out here; Eagles bought pizza for us all!"

There was no response. "Alex, if your not out in five minutes I will knock the door down!"

He wasn't out in five minutes. "Come on Cub! Get here. NOW!"

Just as he was about to start hammering on the door, the door knob started to turn and Alex slowly appeared, wearing a hat.

It wasn't until he had dragged Alex into the kitchen, were Eagle and Fox were (Snake had just gone to answer the phone in the sitting room), that he noticed the hat.

"What you got that on for?" Wolf growled, snatching it off his head.

"NOOOOOO!!!" Alex cried out, too late, turning round to see were the hat had been thrown.

Three men gasped. "What the hell?!"

Alex turned round sheepishly and put his hands on his head. There was no way of hiding the big, fluffy grey ears there though, nor the bushy grey tail they had all glimpsed as he turned round.

They stared at him in shock as Snake walked back into the room. "Hey, Alex, MI6 wasn't to know if you've got anything to do with one of their staff half turning into an Armadillo…huh? What you got on your head? And behind you?"

Alex tugged at the fused on ears fruitlessly and moaned in despair, "Wolf ears and tail!"

**Thanks for reading, sorry its so short and took so long.**

**One happier news, someone said they would hug Eagle!**

**Eagle: !!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!**

**Me: Eagle, are you laughing or crying?**

**Eagle: I don't know! Who said they would give me a hug?**

**Me: That reviewer, over there, ****nikigrl-123**

**Eagle: I'm soooo HAPPY! Give me a hug!**

**nikigrl-123****: Uh…**

**Me: Oh dear, this could get nasty..**

**Eagle: *steam rollers towards * HUG! HUG! HUUUUUG!**

**nikigrl-123**** :Eeep…**

***Splat!***

**Eagle: Bear hug! No, Eagle hug!**

**Me: Calm down eagle, put the nice reviewer back on the ground!**

**nikigrl-123**** :Eck…**

**Eagle: HUG!**

**Me: No, seriously, put Down while the nice reviewer still has ribs left…**

**Alex: I will handle this! *Super-spy karate chop***

**Eagle: Mummy…*falls unconscious***

**nikigrl-123****:I live! Sorta…**

**Sorry about that…hope it doesn't put anyone off reviewing in the future!**


	7. MarySue to the Rescue!

**Scary Voice: Ryuu Squall, you have been brought to the attention of this court for gross Fanfiction neglection. This type of despicable cruelty to the Fanfiction could lead to you being banned from ever owning another one again.**

**Me: Owning?...**

**SV: Do you dare interrupt the court?**

**Me :Um…**

**SV: Do you deny the charges?**

**Me: I must admit I haven't updated this for ages…**

**SV: See, she admits it!**

**Me: But I've been busy! Look at my other Fanf-**

**SV: That is not a matter for this court! We are here to discuss the abuse 'This is K-Unit and Other Silly Stories' has suffered at your computer keyboard.**

**Me: What! You make me sound like some sort of pedophile!**

**SV: Yes, a Fanfiction pedophile!**

**Me: T.T Seriously? Have you ever read any M rated fanfiction before? From what I've heard of the Harry Potter stuff some of that could be counted as that, not simply, not having the time to update!**

**SV: Silence! Unless you have any proof of this being updated, you will go to Fanfiction Prison!**

**Me: *Reaches into pocket***

**Random Person: OMG! She's got a gun! RUN AWAY!**

**Me: *Sigh*, No, look it's another chapter of this Fanfic. Now what do you say to that, Mr. Scary Voice?**

**SV: Oh…**

**Me: Exactly.**

There was no way out this time. Alex knew that he had just a few more minutes to live. He was trapped in sinking sand that was rapidly rising up his chest. Though it wasn't really, it was Alex sinking since he's so amazingly obese and all.

Being a clever little teenage spy, he would usually be able to get out of this sort of situation using some ingenious gadget given to him by Smithers, a handily placed nearby vine, or perhaps even a snake that he accidentally mistook for one of the above. But that wasn't going to happen this time. 'Why not?', I hear you ask…I said, 'Why not?', I hear you ask!... That's better. Well reader, I shall tell you why…hey, what's that? Who said 'Wow, I never would have expected that?' In a tone that indicated extreme sarcasticness and even perhaps the dreaded eye-rolling? No ones going to admit to it? If I ever find out who it was, they will be tortured to death by an Eagle hug!

Eagle: Did someone say my name?

Me: No, bog off, you not even in this chapter.

Eagle: Why not?

Me: Cos you suck

Eagle: What are you implying?

Me: Only that I do not have a very high opinion of you.

Eagle: Oh, that's all?

Me: Yes.

Eagle: Yay! *skips off*

Me: And good riddance! Now, where was I? Oh yes…

He couldn't do any of those things I mentioned before, what ever they were, its too long ago for me to remember now, because he… Who was I even talking about? Either I've got Altz…what ever that thing is, I cant remember what, or…umm…what was my second point? Uh…my head…

Alex! Yes, he couldn't do that stuffy-thing he was gonna do because he was surrounded by Scorpia agents. With machine guns. Dressed in army fatigue. Wearing bad-ass sunglasses. With green base-ball caps on. And kinky tight things. And high heels. And pink sparkly tutus. And smoking cos they were so bad-ass that they ignored all the health warnings on the packets. Not that they could read… But anyway, they had bloody big machine guns aimed at Harry so he couldn't use his magical wand to Evaporate out of there. Oh, God I get so confused some times… OK, so…Alex, yes, Alex was pretty much screwed, alright? As in gonna die, nothing dodgier then that. Is dying dodgy? Guess it can't be if everyone does it…

"3…2…1…" Alex was counting down until he got to the last minute. This was when he always got rescued.

Suddenly a girl stepped into the clearing of the jungle where the sinking-sand went to try and hide from all the heroes trying to get almost drowned in it.

Despite all the brittle twigs littering the ground, and all the guards, and the heat detecting radars, and the traps and the bionic polar bears, she managed to sneak up on the Scorpia agents with their machine guns without them noticing.

When they saw her they all turned their guns towards her, but were stunned into just standing their like idiots, dribbling when they saw how amazingly beautiful she looked. While they were stuck like that (effects may last from 2-5 hours. Side effects include eyeballs falling out, lack of bladder control, spontaneous nose bleeds, babbling and saying, "I weally wuv you man…" In a really drunken way to angry superiors.), she quickly flashed into action like a graceful ninja koala bear, knocking each man out with a single super-powered round house kick,

"Yo, Alex!" She called, in a voice like a gentle waterfall singing happy birthday out of tune.

"Hey, is that you, Ryuu ?"

"Yup!"

"I hardly recognized you…"

"That's because I've turned into a Mary Sue! Now stop dribbling and concentrate on how amazingly attractive I am."

He did so, and to his surprise found himself being dragged out of the quick sand, much to both his and its relief. Though he didn't know it, Ryuu was using her unfailable boy magnet ability, available only to serious Mary Sue's, to drag him out of it.

"Well aren't you going to thank me for saving your life, Alex?"

The teenage spy, covered in mud looked round at her. "Oh, yeah. Thanks."

"Is that it? I went to all the trouble of being a Mary Sue to save you. Don't you even realize how hard that is? Every time I look in the mirror and see how amazingly perfect I am, I want to throw up!"

"Sorry Ryuu, its just that I'm so used to getting saved at the last minute that it just doesn't seem like that much of a deal anymore."

Suddenly there was a shout from nearby. "I'll save you Alex!" It sounded like Arnold Swartzanigger with a sore throat.

Then Yassen burst onto the scene, a long dagger in one hand, a bag of candy-floss in the other and a tie tied round his head like a head band.

"Alex!"

"Umm, Yassen, I'm over here."

The wild-eyed Assassin swung round to face teenage spy and the Mary Sue who wasn't a Mary Sue, no matter how beautiful she looked, how many languages she knew or how good she was at fighting, despite what the flamers say, and, of, of cause was in no way the fanfiction writers substitute for themselves cos they thought Alex was oh so smexy and wanted to go out with him but cant because he's not real so they put a perfect version of themselves in the story to live their dreams for them. Honest.

"And what's happened to your accent? And why are you holding a bag of pink candy floss? And…"

"Shhh, shhh, Alex." Yassen cooed, placing a finger on Alex's lip to quieten him. Alex then fell over backwards in shock trying to get away the scary Russian assassin who had obviously had far too much caffeine that morning.

"Oh is this turning into some sort of weird slash Fan Fiction then?" Ryuu enquired.

"Umm, what does that mean?" Asked a rather confused Alex.

Ignoring him, Ryuu Squall continued, "Well in that case I don't think you need a Mary Sue around, so I'll be seeing ya, Al…" With that she opened a magic portal to the far off lands of Scunthorpe, and stepped through it.

"Wait, Ryuu, don't leave me here with him, the evil giggling has already started to freak me out! Ryuu! Ryuu?...help?"

**Yeah, so sorry its taken me so long to upload, but first I was working on A Bad Idea, and now I've moved onto my precious (must be read with Golem's voice), Once Bitten, Twice the Spy, which has just reached the first interesting part I've got planned for it. I checked my plan again its four pages long. I'm about half way down the first page… so, what I'm saying is that its going to take a lot of my limited spare time up that would otherwise be used for this… though maybe I should set up a question thing on my profile asking which people want to be updated next. Though I have no idea how to do that…**

**The inspiration for this came from some info I found on the internet about this very situation happening in Scorpia Rising. Ok, so perhaps this isn't exactly what's going to happen, but the bit about being stuck in sinking sand surrounded by Scorpia agents with machine guns is. If the information is true (which I think it might be…), then poor Alex! When I read it, I was like, OMG, I don't know how to handle this news! Don't worry, I'll save you Alex! So I did what I always do to deal with situations, made a joke out of it. Seriously, that's how I cope with things…lol XD**


	8. Here We Go Again

**More Mary Sue action in this one guys! Don't you just love to hate them? XD**

"Class, today we have a new student joining us." Miss Brand told the class. There was hatred oozing out of every syllable she spoke like some sort of super-catching toxic liquid rash. Alex soon found out why as their new classmate stepped into the room. Her very presence led to an array of violent reactions. Many students threw up, others stared until their eyes popped out, most of the girls gave her a look so deadly and evil that it should have killed anyone who received it, but such was her amazing amazingness that the death glares rebounded on their owners, killing them instead. Alex couldn't tear his eyes away from the new girl (it would have been far too painful for him, though just looking at her felt like gazing directly into the sun), if he had been able to, he would have seen some of his other classmates simply spontaneously combust, some suddenly snap and go insane, babbling in tongues, and a few others drowning in their own drool.

The beautiful girl who had stepped into the room didn't seem to notice the effect she was having on everyone, and instead gave a beautiful, dazzling, beautiful smile like a rose with diamonds for teeth, if roses had teeth. This immediately led to several more deaths.

"Hello everyone." There was another beautiful smile which caused over half of the classes remaining population to kick the bucket.

"My name is Mary Sue Elizabeth Raven Hunter Amaranth Moonbeam Diamond Obsidian Rock Ruby Crystal [insert name of gem here] Opal Quartz Emerald Thysaliance Imerlia Shiaza Teyatma Celery Clementine Esmeralda Pigmy Alexandra Kevin Imelda Azure Bucket Nightingale Rae Francis Tatalaniya Zimbabwe Chick Banana Bacon Sandwich Face." Several people's heads imploded, including the teacher's, the thought of trying to fit all that into the register had been the final cause of death.

There was blood and gore all over the room, and the surviving members of the class were either hiding under their desks, whimpering and rocking backwards and forwards or else squished into the stationary cupboard at the back of the room more closely then sardines in a tin are allowed to be, cos sardines have rights you know. All accept Alex Rider that is, who was still glued to his desk, watching her like a fly stuck to that yucky sticky fly paper stuff you put up. All the glass in the room has also shattered. It's a little known fact, because I just made it up, that glass has a heart just like wheat and walls have ears. Upon realizing that they could never stand a chance of winning this beautiful, pretty, bedazzling, stunning, good-looking, gorgeous, striking, attractive, fine-looking, magnificent, superb, exquisite, charming, delightful, picturesque, lovely, cute, sweet, appealing, nice, unattractive (antonym), girl, they all committed suicide by exploding.

Among all this chaos stood the-girl-who-was-all-of the-things-listed-above, the slight speckling of blood only enhanced her beauty, making the sharp but soft angles of her beautiful face look war-like but sweet and innocent at the same time. The bit of slimy brain on her top only drew the eyes more to the beautiful, expensive garment, which had been her great, great grandmothers and of cause had the most fashionable and modern label possible. Her hair was left untouched though, (never touch the hair), and fell in beautiful, perfect wave of naturally blond hair, with naturally red and black streaks in it of course.

And of course, nothing could retract beauty from her beautiful, soulful, haunting, bewitching naturally violet eyes.

Suddenly these dazzling gem eyes alighted on the stricken teenage spy.

"Are you Alex Rider?" Asked…Lets just stick with her last name, ay? It's simpler that way. Right, asked Miss. Banana Bacon Sandwhich Face.

"Elulurghslurplea." Alex replied, before getting enough control of himself to utter hoarsely, "Yeah."

Tears immediately filled her radiant violet eyes like a radioactive substance welling up behind the glass on a mercifully water-tight door. Except more messily.

"Oh Alex! I was sent here to kill you by SCORPIA! But it was my adopted fathers wish, Yassen, after he rescued me from the American government because they wanted to send me on a super dangerous mission even though I was only three months old, that I never harm you! But I was going to do it anyway because they told me you killed him! But looking into your muddy brown eyes and fugly, spotty face, I just can't do it!"

Alex frowned slightly at the totally inaccurate description of him, cos, come on, whoever could imagine a spotty Alex Rider? That's just like a freakin weird idea, though he is a teenager you know? And everyone know that many teenagers spend their time lovingly cultivating acne, why else would so many of them have it?

Aaaaanyyyyway, that was when Alex finally came back to his senses. Without looking at her (too dangerous) he plunged his hand into his schoolbag and pulled out his anti-Mary Sue gun, before quickly turning it on Miss. Banana Bacon Sandwich Face. He fired it, hitting the Mary Sue repeatedly despite all her amazing martial arts skills.

Finally after about 7 shots, he dared open his eyes. All that remained of the beautiful girl was a shimmering violet haze in the air and a faint smell of banana, bacon and bread in the air.

With a sigh he put the gun away, complaining out loud, "I really wish Yassen would stop adopting all these Mary Sue's. I know he does it just to annoy me. Oh, guys, you can come out now! She's gone! Guys?"

There was only silence.

"Not again! That was the seventh consignment of class mates that I had ordered from MI6 this week!"

**Perhaps Banana Bacon Sandwich face is actually a rather common name? How else would it somehow manage to turn up in not one of my Fanfictions, but two? (If you want to know what on earth I'm talking about, check out my fic, Spy Spoof!**

**This might be the last time I update this for a while. Next up I'm going to write the next chapter of Once Bitten, Twice the Spy. And then after that there's a one shot I want to finish, then another chapter of OBTS, and then another really sad type One-shot I've been meaning to write for months, and then another OBTS most likely, and then perhaps another one of this. Well, at least, that's the plan, it might change! But I do have to spend a lot of time on school work these days as well…sadly.**


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